she's just saying...

60,000 people looking for chicken sweaters, and also reading my blog

At 5:18 pm PST yesterday, someone from Modesto CA arrived at my blog via a Google search for "chicken gizzards." (Boy, I'll bet they were surprised when they landed on this post.) Anyway, my site meter says that they were the 60,000th visitor to the site.

However, in recognition of #1 Sister's determined efforts to be the 60,000th visitor (she's competitive and a wee bit obsessive, a winning combination), she will get the prize that I didn't even know I was offering. By her observation, she was #60K. I can't explain the discrepancy - it's one of teh interwebs mysteries.

And yes, an analysis of search queries (thanks, Google Analytics!) shows that most people were looking for information on knitting fowl outerwear. It's an amazing world, with a lot of cold chickens in it.

This is the last chicken sweater photo I will ever post. I mean it!

England must be catching a chill...

because hits on my posts mentioning handmade fowl outergarments are WAY up.

Wouldn't it just be easier to just glue their feathers back on?  OK, I concede it might not be easier, but certainly more permanent.

Or cutting up old sweatpants and making drawstring ponchos?

Or how about electric blankets, as in our favorite book "Click Clack Moo?"

(click on the little thumbnails to see more)

• 
• 
• 

I'm not going to spoil the denouement here, but it involves the duck.

Maybe knitting a cape is the easiest, actually. Seems like a weird way to spend your time, but I really can't talk, having knit several apple cozies lately.   

Of Mice and Monkeys

Now this is impressive:
 

Remember that little blogoversary contest I ran? Probably not. Well, I was very cleverly guilted in my last post into actually delivering the prize to the local winner, Chris K., a blog buddy. (I'd call him a bluddy, but that's not so cool, actually. That's his photo montage above, and I even stole his post title.)

For his patience, I tucked in a little surprise with the catnip mouse he won.

Its use temporarily stumped him, but he quickly figured out what it must be...

...a monkey poncho.

So now it appears that in addition to the whippet sweater and the poultrywear, I'm into simian wraps.

And you have another must-read blog to visit!

In which I direct you to a much funnier blog

Stop what you're doing (which would be reading my blog) and run, hop or flutter over to this post from my reciprocal blog pal Kathi D.

Most. Hilarious. Post. Ever. Involving chickens, sex, aprons, camo, Madonna and dogs.

(Given those words above in one post, my blog traffic could get really interesting.)

Here's a hint:

Go enjoy. You will eventually come back here, right?

Ignite yourself

[From Jen, a friend and fellow blogger:]

"If you had five minutes on stage what would you say? What if you only got 20 PowerPoint slides and they rotated automatically every 15 seconds?

 Around the world people have been putting together “Ignite” nights to share their answers. Visit the Ignite Bend website to find out more about local events. More information about Ignite Events held around the world can be found at O’Reilly’s Ignite website.

The local website goes on to say: "topics range from tech to gardening to current events. It’s fast, it’s fun, it’s theater/concert/stand-up all rolled into one! At Ignite Bend #1, speakers talked about Legos, social media, karma, acronyms, and more..."

So, there's the plug: it's June 4 for all you Central Oregonians.Check it out.

The concept is very similar to Henry's fourth-grade class assignment last week: Pick a topic of interest about an invention or idea and give a 3-minute speech with visuals. Henry picked the zipper, which meant that I've learned more than you can imagine about the history of zipper design. Fascinating stuff. Maybe that could be my Ignite Bend topic. Or maybe I should talk about chicken sweaters.Or how (not) to build a water feature by yourself with no skills or equipment.

What would you pick to speak about, if this was your assignment?

the very latest in poultrywear

With fear and trepidation, I bring you a knitted chicken garment pattern. (Not a knitted chicken, but a knitted pattern for a chicken).

(For my newer readers, some back story: this blog catapulted in hits through search results after I re-published a BBC article about a woman who knit capes for rescued chickens. Much of my traffic comes from all those chicken-loving knitters out there, most of whom appear to live in England.)

I've never actually knitted fowlwear myself, nor am I a poultry farmer, unlike my blog friend Kathi D. (Gratuitous Kathi D plug here.)

However, since I seem to be a clearinghouse for the info, here's a free pattern. This knitter makes shawls for young chicks, and as she says, "the front two corners are tacked together, because chickens can’t use shawl pins."

Pretty cute, actually:

Now I just sit back and watch my traffic stats climb again.

Your wish is my command

OK, I'm a blogging slacker. Or a slack-blogger. I have run out of original thoughts, cute badger photos, fowl-wear information, and knitting news. And the Neighbor X  situation is a little complicated right now.

So, I'm taking a survey. This is not quantitatively valid research as it's a self-selected sample with no demographic weighting or statistical significance tests. (I do love market research.)

Q: What do you want Melissa to write about next?

Choose up to three of the following choices, or write in your own suggestion in comments.

1. Chicken knitting
2. The Wii-Fit flop
3. Dance Dance Revolution
4. The on-going saga of me and Neighbor X
5. Badgers
6. Kittens and puppies and babies
7. Household budget tips
8. Random blog memes
9. Blogging about blogging
10. My lemon tart recipe (involves 7 eggs and 1.5 cups of butter)
11. Henry's breakfast favorites, starting with Pad Thai
12. How not to build a water feature in your backyard

Or anything else. I'm open to suggestion (way too open, historically).

The British Empire, and her chicken thing.

You may not know that I can track my blog traffic from online search engines. Roughly half my visitors find me through the search phrase "knitted chicken jumpers." (I hate to even type those words again, but whatever, I like traffic.) Almost all of it from various little villages in England.

Obviously, there's a great interest in fowl outerwear there. Is it because so many chickens have been defeathered? Is it due to a great love of flightless birds in general? Is it code for some kinky fetish? What's the deal???

It's clear I should design a knitting pattern and post it on my blog, to drive up my traffic count for one thing. I could resize the whippet sweater...

I'm not going to link to the original story that got me to this point -- just check out the popular search to the right if you must. I'm kind of bored with the whole thing, frankly, and you probably are too.

However, for those who like their poultry live, I'm happy to share some little-known facts about these birds, courtesy of the wildlife curator at the High Desert Museum:

1. A chicken will lay bigger and stronger eggs if you change the lighting in such a way as to make them think a day is 28 hours long. [Kathi D: be sure to tell us how this works for you]
2. The chicken can travel up to nine miles an hour.
3. There are seven distinct types of combs on chickens: rose, strawberry, single, cushion, buttercup, pea and V-shaped.
4. The largest chicken egg on record was nearly 12 ounces and measured 12 inches around.
5. The greatest number of yolks in one egg is nine.
6. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
7. The waste produced by one chicken in its lifetime can supply enough electricity to run a 100 watt bulb for five hours.

You're welcome.

Don't even ask...

Crying fowl

Seriously. Do not blog about what I mentioned in my previous post. I myself will never mention the topic again. I can't handle the idea of all these visitors finding my site in their search results, clicking on it and hitting their "back" buttons as quickly as possible. I'm feeling rejected. I'm not what they want. I may be able to face this in my personal life, but it's just too much on my blog.

On the plus side, my site counter now reports over 5000 visitors, so that's pretty cool. However, two-thirds of them appear to have handmade poultry outergarment fetishes (I can't repeat the actual words).

MOVING ON...

Here are some gratuitous wild animal shots. I can't compete with Kathi D and her random celebrities, but how many people can post photos of themselves petting a badger?

                                Or posing with a turkey vulture?

                              

Good times, as they say.

I've found the secret to grow blog traffic

Post frequently about sweaters (or "jumpers") for chickens.

There's a huge untapped market for information about chicken knitting. (Knitting for chickens, not knitting with chickens.)

Personally, I will not only talk about chicken knitting, I plan to start posting patterns, samples, measuring guides, appropriate yarns for deflecting pecks and poop, and a gallery of comely hens modeling the latest styles. Kathi D, stand by to shoot your chickens. (With a camera, not a gun, of course.)

My traffic count will go through the roof.

Chicken sweaters

I forgot: the other very popular search that brings up my site is about knitting sweaters for chickens. This is what they're searching for:

From the BBC: 

In from the cold: chilly chickens given a winter warmer

How would you feel? One minute you're in a warm battery shed [laying shed] squashed up alongside someone who's pecking out your feathers - the next you're out in an open field with nothing to protect you from the elements. Thank the Lord for chicken jumpers...

Queenie and her three friends are feeling the cold a little more than most this winter.

Recovered from a battery farm in November last year, they were largely without feathers and - away from the artificial heat of the chicken sheds - have been feeling the winter weather.

But owner Brigitte Hawley from Benenden has come up with a clever way of allowing her hens to enjoy the outside world, while being as snug as their more feathered friends. (BBC video clip)

A knitted chicken jumper - or 'Chux Tux' as Brigitte calls it - is the latest must-have item for feather-challenged chickens exploring the brave new world outside of the battery.

Poultry pullies

The 'Tux' can come in different designs depending on which parts of the bird are in need of insulation. Brigitte can also create poultry pullies in a variety of colours.

These hens have all been re-housed by the Battery Hen Welfare Trust, a charity that works with farmers to give a new lease of life to 'spent' battery hens when their egg productivity starts to take a slide.

The good news is that once out in the open - and with the help of a Chux Tux - the hens soon start to re-grow their feathers. Great news for Queenie and for the next reformed battery hen to inherit her winter coat.

How's that for a sneaky way to repeat a post?  Um, Kathi, time to learn to knit . . .

Knit your chicken a sweater

From the BBC, in honor of Amber and her chickens.

In from the cold: chilly chickens given a winter warmer

" How would you feel? One minute you're in a warm battery shed [laying shed]squashed up alongside someone who's pecking out your feathers - the next you're out in an open field with nothing to protect you from the elements. Thank the Lord for chicken jumpers...

Queenie and her three friends are feeling the cold a little more than most this winter.

Recovered from a battery farm in November last year, they were largely without feathers and - away from the artificial heat of the chicken sheds - have been feeling the winter weather.

Click here for video:	Chickens with jumpers

But owner Brigitte Hawley from Benenden has come up with a clever way of allowing her hens to enjoy the outside world, while being as snug as their more feathered friends.

A knitted chicken jumper - or 'Chux Tux' as Brigitte calls it - is the latest must-have item for feather-challenged chickens exploring the brave new world outside of the battery.

Poultry pullies

The 'Tux' can come in different designs depending on which parts of the bird are in need of insulation. Brigitte can also create poultry pullies in a variety of colours.

These hens have all been re-housed by the Battery Hen Welfare Trust, a charity that works with farmers to give a new lease of life to 'spent' battery hens when their egg productivity starts to take a slide.

The good news is that once out in the open - and with the help of a Chux Tux - the hens soon start to re-grow their feathers. Great news for Queenie and for the next reformed battery hen to inherit her winter coat."